Journal

review of the game plan

The gap between the girl's teeth makes her hard to look at. Why are they playing the "Championship Game" on the local high school's practice field?

motorin'

Colby and I are driving from Wanaka to Auckland. That's about 1000 miles. We started last night at 10:00 p.m. We burned up the pavement until 4:30 a.m. when I sensed that we were near the coast. Not wanting to miss the scenery on that section of road, we napped beside the road for a couple of hours. We awoke at sunrise and resumed the drive. What we saw made me glad that I waited:

Lots of people on the road were giving us thumbs ups during our drive. That confused us. We thought that it was because the Kiwis were too polite to flip us off for our shitty driving, and so instead gave us the sarcastic thumbs up (like, "great driving, idiots"). Then we remembered our All Blacks flags.

We had put NZ All Blacks flags on our car in Wanaka, and people were giving us the thumbs up because, being from New Zealand, they apparently also like the All Blacks. The ferryboat employees started to talk to us about how the All Blacks were playing a big game tonight against Italy in the World Cup of Rugby. We were careful to not let on that we hadn't even known that the World Cup was underway. We're watching the game tonight in Wellington. We'll try to remember enough to at least keep up appearances the next time some Kiwis start to share in our flag-flying enthusiasm for the All Blacks.

milford sound

local horticulture

It was raining and looked really poo poo-ish outside yesterday. We decided that we weren't going to go up. Then we sat around the house for a couple hours and decided that the only thing worse than skiing in the rain and wind outside would be to sit around the house for a couple more hours. We went up to Snow Park, and it was every bit as much a thumbs-down as we thought it was going to be. Was it better than sitting around the house for three more hours than we would have otherwise? I don't know. I couldn't have done both, so I really don't have the experience necessary to make a proper comparison.

After a few runs, the drizzle turned to a downpour and the breeze turned into a gale. So we walked through the ankle-deep mud in the Snow Park car park and drove down the bumpy, curvy, dusty road back to Wanaka. That's when the real fun started. We stopped on the way back to Wanaka so Sammy and I could play with sheep by the side of the road. Real original, right? That's what everybody does in New Zealand. Like, "Oh my god. Look at all these sheep! Let's fully immerse ourselves in the local culture/landscape by harassing a staple animal on camera for a while." That's what they all think. And it's exactly what I was thinking. I also was thinking that I wanted to copy all the sponzorizored people I've seen in pictures with sheep in New Zealand. It's marketing. It's designed to make me want to emulate the people in it, and it's working.

We ran after the sheep like little kids for a while. It was a million laughs. I was giddy. We herded them all into the corner of their pen. There were at least 500. Just like a couple of sheep dogs -- their job's not so hard after all. Sammy wanted me to get a video of him petting a sheep. He was having trouble getting close enough because he was afraid that the sheep would kick him. Afraid that a sheep would kick him. What a pussy.

back in the game

I am back on the skis. I've been sliding around Snow Park again. Booooorrriiiinng! Snow Park has one thing: an okay halfpipe that gets closed promptly at two o'clock in the afternoon. Since the pipe is the only cool thing on the mountain, it is the place where everybody (that is, all the saps like me who traveled halfway around the world to ride what they thought would be a good park) rides. Crowded. Crowded. Crowded. It doesn't matter to me. I still have a headache, so I'm protecting my fragile brain by taking (it easy) pictures of my friends who are good skiers. I'm getting epic shots. Pretty much like a pro photographer. I'm making a submission. Check out the next issue of Freeskier magazine for some of the sick shots I got, bro. Just kidding. Check out my website tomorrow. You'll see some superior photographs.

concussion court casino 24

First day of skiing today. That's what I thought a few days ago when I whiplashed the back of my head into the bottom of the terrain pipe. So I don't ski anymore. I just read books and sleep and watch 24. Peter, Simon and I went to Queenstown for Simon's court appearance. We showed up at 9:00 a.m. when the courthouse opened. In New Zealand, they just run through the cases alphabetically. So you just have to sit in the foyer until your name is called. Good thing Simon's last name is Dumont and not Zumont.

Since Simon just had to wait around for a crooked cop's lawyer to try to sheist him out of thousands of dollars, Peter and I wandered into Queenstown in search of a way to pass the time. We didn't have to go far before we found it. We walked into Sky City Casino the second that it opened. And we were the only people there all day. It's not very fun. But it's more fun than it sounds like. Or less fun than it sounds like, depending on which of those two sentences you pay attention to. It didn't matter to me. I was on day two of something like the worst hangover ever from my bump on the head.

Lunar eclipse tonight. That is really cool. It makes the moon red. If you stare at it, it seems to flicker and change shape. Don't stare at it too long. I took a picture of it. It looks like the background of the page. Like I said, I'm watching 24 now. Jack Bauer has killed 16 people. 17. I'm glad I don't hang out with him in person. 18. He can only whisper or shout. I prefer a regular, inside voice.

P.S. Tanner is doing both 9's and flat 3's. 19. 20. 21. Simon is doing switch 7's down the pipe. They look really stylie. I also learned switch 7's down the pipe. They're easy. The hard part for me is the set-up stunt. I'm afraid of landing switch in the pipe because I'm afraid that I might catch the deck (fr: zee coping) and fall backwards into the pipe. A fall like that can really injure a person hahahahaha. Oh yeah, I think that the NZ Open is happening right now. Doesn't matter to me. I can't ski.

Stay tuned for more updates about all the most progressive skiing that's happening in the world.

snow park

First day of skiing today. This place looks nearly just like where I grew up in Idaho. Except there's a sick terrain park and a replica of the X-Games superpipe a few miles up the road. This morning, Wanaka awoke draped in a damp, gray blanket of frowns -- same as the last couple of days. That's why today was my first day of skiing. Up the hill at Snow Park, it was all smiles. There are a couple of good jumps and the pipe was pretty good. There were a bunch of pro snowboarders and skiers up there. And besides the pros, there were a bunch of other riders who were at least sponnoed. They were totally throwing down, and I couldn't believe my eyes LOL!

Fast forward a few hours to the exciting part of the afternoon. Simon, Peter and I were just driving around scenic Wanaka, minding our own business, when out of nowhere, some crazy asshole with a funny accent comes flying down the hill, on the wrong side of the road and BOOM! Head-on collision. Glass and metal are flying everywhere. The car spun out of control. I hit my head during the collision, and faded in and out of consciousness as the car spun out of control. Was Simon still conscious? Had he and Peter survived the crash? There was no way to know. Finally the chaos subsided, and I was able to cut myself out of my safety restraint and wrestle myself from the flaming wreckage. Miraculously, nobody was severely injured in the crash.

The cars weren't okay though. Probably totaled. Totally totaled. The police were pretty friendly. Especially compared to American police officers. They even drove us around town later to get us and our gear back to our house (which is totally awesome, thanks Salomon) after interrogating us and junk. They did make Simon sweep up all the broken glass. When MJ (one of the coppers) handed him the broom, Simon was incredulous at first. He was pissed (that's "angry" in American, mate) when he realized that MJ was serious. Manual labor is exceptionally disagreeable to the Dumont family. As he swept, Simon surmised that, "[Sweeping streets] is so much less fun than what I do; and you get paid so much less to do it. I don't know why anybody does it." Neither do I.

Check back soon for more awesome updates from skiing in Wanaka.

kia ora

It's been over 24 hours of traveling...and over four years of saying, "next year I really am going to go to New Zealand." And I'm finally here. What an experience. It's like I'm in a whole different world. Speaking of 24 hours of traveling: that's quite remarkable. I am almost exactly halfway around the world from where I started, and it took me just more than an entire day. There really isn't a fontier left on Earth. There's not much of a way anymore for a man to completely leave a life and a home for something completely new. Or at least, if there is, it's not the life-revamping rite of passage that it still so recently used to be. Maybe I'll try to make a trip to the South Pole, just to see how true what I've just said is...maybe I won't.

Also speaking of 24 hours: I love long flights. I always have. And I have just figured out why. I love long flights because I am totally anonymous on them. That's not to say that I'm some sort of celebrity, driven crazy by a complete lack of anonymity. No. I get plenty of it. But not like on an international flight. On an international flight, I am completely anonymous. It's not just the usual "nobody knows me" situation, where it's true until I meet up with some friends. On long flights literally nobody knows me, and I don't know anybody else, and I love it. People call me Mr. Symms, but that's because they're looking at my boarding pass or my passport. And I don't have to say anything back. I can just nod; and I do. Over the first 24 hours of my trip, I spoke practically no words. It was awesome. A flight attendant broke my silence prematurely when she spilled hot water down my back. I had to talk quite a bit to assure her that I was okay and that I was not at all angry. But other than that, I almost never had to talk.

New Zealand is pretty cool; and I love international flights.

yeah dude

I am really really excited: Yeah Dude is coming out soon, and I have a segment. Don't let that fool you though. Yeah Dude is really good. Really, really good. Really, really, really good. Plus, its name serves as both a simple affirmation and a designation of a specific object:

Do you love ski movies? Yeah Dude. I bet you're excited for the new ski movies to come out. Yeah Dude. Do you want to see the best ski movie of the year? Yeah Dude. What is the best ski movie of the year? Yeah Dude. You must have misunderstood me; I asked you "What is the best ski movie of the year?" Yeah Dude. Oh. I get it. Make sure you get it, too.

bud selig is a big wiener

I watched Barry Bonds tie Hank Aaron's all-time home run record last night. I watched it on TV, and it was pretty exciting. Bud Selig, the commissioner of Major League Baseball, saw it in person. He didn't look excited though. When Barry Bonds sent his 755th home run flying into the stands, Bud Selig stood up, grimaced and put his hands in his pockets. To further display his monumental lack of anything faintly resembling class, Selig didn't even clap as Bonds tied one of baseball's biggest records. He just stood in his private box, frowning:

During much of Selig's tenure as commissioner, he did nothing to discourage or curtail the use of performance enhancing drugs in the MLB. And when he has done something, it has been just enough to placate the media on the issue, rather than making a real, organized effort to solve the problem. Now he's attending Giants baseball games, seemingly just to scorn Barry Bonds, as though he is the root of baseball's problem with performance enhancing drugs. Just to show his dismay at every home run, despite the fact that Bonds has not been convicted of using performance enhancers, nor has he ever been reprimanded by the league for using them. Interestingly, the pitcher who served up Bonds's 755th home run ball has been suspended for steroid use. And yet everything is presented as though Bonds is the only guy on the field using (despite that he has not tested positive for them).

If Selig disapproves of the state of Major League Baseball, or the conduct of Barry Bonds, he should do something about it (which is tough, without proof that Bonds is on the roids). If he was grimacing from personal guilt over his own mismanagement of drug use in Major League Baseball, then he should accept responsibility for it, rather than letting the media scape individual players -- especially players without proven guilt. Otherwise, he ought to consider clapping for the next home run, when one of baseball's biggest records is broken.

come back este

There's this great pizza place in Salt Lake called Este. I won't say it's the best pizza ever, because I don't really have the frame of reference necessary to make that kind of an assertion. Also, I think that it's annoying when people describe something as "the best [blank] ever." Like this other place in Salt Lake called The Soup Kitchen. A bunch of my friends in college used to describe it as the "best ever," and gushed that it was "so cheap." I thought that the only good thing about The Soup Kitchen was that its name perfectly described the quality of food and dining experience that the restaurant offered. (Like eating at a soup kitchen, you know?) How is that the "best ever"? So, to avoid using an annoying phrase, Este doesn't serve the best pizza ever. They do serve really good pizza though. And I like to eat it. Sometimes I just think about it all day, and I end up having to get an Este pizza. That's how good I think it is.

Tragedy struck a while ago. The inside of Este burned up. Probably because somebody forgot to put the lid back on the crushed, red pepper (get it?). So now Este is closed, because the ovens must have burned up, too (that's a hot fire). So they can't cook pizzas anymore. Plus they have to replace the counters and the bathroom and the tables and the cash register. And while they do all that, I, along with many other saddened Salt Lakians, must endure life without my favorite pizza.

Fortunately, a lot of people feel the way that I do about Este. And so Este sells a lot of pizzas and makes enough money to stay in business despite a fire. Este is coming back. But it's going to take a long time. At least a month. So there's no way I'll have an Este pizza before I leave for New Zealand. I hope that Este is back when I get back. Come back, Este.

finally online

I had the idea a few years ago to make johnsymms.com. I've been talking about it ever since, but not actually doing it. I've finally gotten around to it. I'm designing the whole thing myself. Consequently, I spend a lot of time sitting like this: ...mainly regretting the decision to make a website.

The site has taken me much more time than expected. I overestimated my ability to quickly make it happen. Everything I've wanted to do (despite usually being quite simple) has required lots of research and learning. Also, this is how my desk usually looks when I'm hard at work: Just kidding, no, but seriously. The site is still definitely a "work in progress." But it will get better, I swear. In the meantime, check out this picture of a very old oatmeal box.